Reading along the list of ailments and cures...

Hugh and I were wandering around the more “locals” area of Luang Prabang when we came across a little cart with bags of dried bark, berries, and grasses neatly arranged on top. Small baskets had dried leaves and one contained rounded stones, a worn book on top read “Lao Traditional Medicine.” We stopped for a moment, and an old man grinned at us with a toothless smile.

He opened the book and pointed to an ailment, then gesticulated to his cart, “heart disease” said the book as he gestured to his heart. We shook our head “no” and smiled. He then pointed to the next ailment in the chart which was for headache, then grabbed his head and made moaning noises. This is where the story gets hilarious.

Next was an herbal tea that was good for spasms. So the man demonstrated what spasms where by shaking his hands violently and making a sound that I can only type as “ablabababaaba” with his tongue. Hugh and I burst out laughing. Encouraged, the man pointed at the next ailment: gonorrhea.

He then proceeded to make the international children’s symbol for sex, inserting a finger into his fist. He then pointed at Hugh who protested quite loudly that he didn’t need a cure for it. The man grinned and pointed to the next venereal disease, which brought upon more laughter.

The next moments were spent having a “conversation” by pointing at various words on a well-worn paper he kept with him. He asked where we were from, if we were married, etc. Just a hilarious old man eager to talk with people, I guess, and yet one of the many experiences that’s making me never want to leave Laos.

Well, we’re not dead…but Laos has never scored high on the whole health and safety standards thing. I mean, the fact that I have to plug my computer into a bamboo pole should say something. Everytime I type I get electrocuted. =P

Anyways, we’re off tomorrow for Phonsavan and the mysterious Plain of Jars… so long Vang Vieng, it’s been awesome.

At one point, one girl even came up to us and asked if she could take a picture with us. She politely waited while she took a picture with me, then with Hugh. I’m pretty sure she promptly deleted the picture with me.

One of the funnier things that happened was I was walking with the group of guys from HK who we were touring with, when these three girls spotted Hugh. I watched them try and shove the prettiest girl towards hi whispering things I imagine were like, “say hello to him!” and stuff, but she did nothing as they passed by. As we walked by, Hugh grabbed my hand and I heard them squeal “NooooO!” LOL, high school girls.

It’s funny, but even funnier because it kind of weirds Hugh out. I know lots of expat guys who love the attention and use it to their advantage (and sleep with tons of girls), I also know more expat guys who thought it was a little weird and annoying to be treated like a zoo animal. Hugh seems to take it in stride by doing things like scratching his nose (and blocking his face) nonchalantly when people try and take his picture. I mean, it’s all fun and games when the cute high school girls do it, but it’s annoying when the old man gets in your face and tries to take a picture of you eating, right? Same shit, different name.

When we arrived the club was PACKED. Thankfully, a friend of a friend let us in for free and got us a VIP table. That definitely made the night.

There were sexy go-go dancers for us to oogle, but other than that, very few females in the club on this particular day. However, of the females that WERE there, about half of them had some article of clothing off by the end of the night. I’ve never seen so much butt-cheek in my life outside of a beach or pool. Though, honestly, we Asians know that most Asian girls aren’t really sporting big backsides so it really wasn’t buttcheek as much as….thigh? Annnyyyways, if it wasn’t that, then girls were taking off their tops and dancing around in bras. Not the sort of thing I have EVER seen in a club in Japan (let alone dancing), or hell in America even. But then again, Taiwan is not Japan despite my odd tendency to think it is.

The next point of amusement was Kevin’s stalker. While Hugh and I were dancing, he told me some girl was staring at him. Like a non-moving ghost through an undulating crowd. Later, after we came back from a bathroom break the same girl was sitting on the couch trying to talk to Kevin. Imagine this girl: a face like a 15 year old. Her long crimped hair, in messy, uneven pigtails. She’s wearing a miniskirt that says Budweiser down the sides, a black bra, and a hoodie zipped to just above the navel. Her eyes have that unmistakable glassiness that only a psycho can have. She doesn’t really look like a lolita, but the way she pouts purposefully and shamelessly makes you think of an adult trying to do a grotesque impersonation of a child.

And so, the girl sat next to Kevin for about 1 hr… making pouty faces, puppy dog eyes, at one point she started french kissing the air. It was WEIRD…and hilarious…and sad. Even after we repeatedly asked her nicely that he wasn’t interested. Even after a Taiwanese guy told her more rudely to piss off. Even after Kevin pretended to introduce her to his fake fiancee…she just sat on the floor, chin on the couch, staring up at poor Kev. Eventually she pouted as far as her lower lip would go and stomped off. I saw her later listlessly dancing with a Taiwanese guy, eyes staring at some spot on the wall. I have no idea what was going on in her head, but anyone who can sit while 6 people gesture at her and go “wtf is going on?” probably isn’t thinking clearly.

We left the club around 4 am, had breakfast and McDonald’s (the Taiwanese places weren’t open yet, unfortunately) and stumbled home around 5am…the first time I’ve done that in a non-video gaming context for years.

I feel like a kid again.

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“Oppai!!” (Tits!)
“Chikubi!!” (Nipples!)
“Boku okama da!!” (I’m a tranny!)
“‘Chinko’ eigo de nan to iu no?” (How do you say penis in English)

Maybe more so than the fact the kids say it is the fact the teachers smile and laugh. I can’t help it, I’m a prudish American. I have a mouth like a drunken sailor, but I still cringe when I hear kids saying stuff like that.

Then again, I also cringe when people ask me things like, “Oshiri ga itai no?” (Does your butt hurt?) Let’s not talk about my butt, your butt, or anyone else’s butt. Japanese people are always really shocked when I tell them we don’t discuss breasts and butts in polite company, they always reply with “but…but…American TV is nothing but showing that stuff, why can’t you talk about it?”

Touche.

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PEOPLE. WHAT?

A lady from one of the schools I visit was all, “ooh and we were all wondering who should congratulate you on your baby,” Wait, wait, back the hell up woman, what baby?

“I’m not pregnant!” I admonished,

“Oh really….oooh where did we hear it from? Someone said you were….”

“Why did you think I was pregnant?” I asked in my most polite voice. Just be honest and say it’s cause I’ve gotten tubby around my middle, I thought darkly, while my face showed a friendly smile and the finest in Japanese tatemae.

“Oh, I don’t know…your face seemed glowing and full, like the face of pregnancy!”

At this point I bit down my tongue and held back the urge to say, “So you mean cause I have a fat face?” Instead, I countered with this gem:

“But, but… I’m not even married!” I said shyly.

“Oh, well, you know… we thought you were being a modern woman and were going to hang in there and have one anyways.”

I give up, Japan. I get it, you think I’m fat. Yes, I will start going on an even stricter diet and start working out now. Thank you, just when I thought I was making progress with my weight.
…
Wait, wait…hold the phone! They thought I had HAD a baby already, so that must mean I AM making progress with my weight. Well, hot damn! Apparently my perfect body weight was when I was 85lbs and had twig-legs, back then all the Japanese girls complimented me on my tiny face and skinny legs. I think I’ll just stick to my bigger boobs, fuller thighs, and ghetto booty. I like it better, my boyfriend likes it better–leave me alone, Japan!

Observe the following on an entry about travel.

Upon returning home, they will also find an affinity for a particular beer or liquor from a country they visited. They use this as an excuse to mention their travels when at a bar. “Oh, I’ll have a Czechznlishiyush Pilsner. You see, that was my favorite beer when I was travelling through Slovenia and the Czech republic.”

TRUE. I must admit more than once I’ve said something like, “Oh this Thai is good, but not as good as in Thailand.” Seriously, it’s true. Fellow traveler, you know you’ve done it, regardless of your ethnic background.

The site is hilarious though, whoever writes is either a brilliant white person with amazing self-awareness, or someone non-white but with an anthropologist’s eye.

My friend desslok pointed out another one called Stuff Asian People Like, but I didn’t find it as funny, and sadly, couldn’t relate to it at all. That’s kind of strange, actually.

The first wacky thing we all did: ate raw horse meat (a Kumamoto Prefecture specialty).

The second feat of bravery: we entered a mixed bath together

Before I continue, I must explain what an onsen is to those who have no idea. If you already know what it is, then skip this paragraph. Onsen is Japanese for hot springs and, in my opinion, is one of the hallmarks of their culture. Every town, no matter how tiny, has an onsen–or at least a sento, which is a public bath. In the past, mixed bathing was fairly normal and no one thought anything of it. That has since changed and most onsen now seperate the men from the women. Most foreigners, obviously, are nervous the first time they go…but everyone does it and everyone enjoys it. It’s one thing to go topless at a beach when not everyone else is. In an onsen, everyone is naked. Little babies, old grannies, you, your friends. Yeah, you are naked, but so is everyone else. Westerns find onsens to be liberating, relaxing, and a wonderful bonding experience.

Anyways, so my friends and I are all onsen ‘experts’ so we decided to go to Kurokawa Onsen which is a town famous in Japan for its hot springs. It’s a beautiful, scenic town and very traditional. In fact, so traditional that almost every onsen still has mixed bathing. At all the places, women still got their own private sections, meanwhile the mens area was actually the mixed bathing area.

We adventurous females decided we would try it. First, we took advantage of the family bath that came with our room reservation. Yes, it was 3 girls and 1 guy (who is my boyfriend) and no, it did not turn into an orgy. Yes, folks, believe it or not a mixed group of people CAN be naked together AND have it not be sexual in the slightest. We sat in the water and discussed life, Japan, and how hot the water was. No one looked at anyone’s naughty bits (well, for long). It was friends bathing.

So, after mastering that feat we decided we should do it again — but this time with the general Japanese public. Why should the men get the best rotenburo (outdoor baths) just because women are scared to go? So we went to the first one at this one cave onsen…and it was fine. This random old man started jabbering to me, and there was a youngish guy in there with us, but he didn’t look twice (or maybe he did, but I never saw it.)

Next, we went to this amazing place called Yama Mizuki. The water temperature was perfect and the baths are situated outside along a rushing river. Us girls entered the mixed bathing when it was just Hugh and a couple old men and their sons. There were glances at us, but nothing special. We watched the children play on the rocks and their fathers yell at them to not fall into the river. Hugh sunned himself along some big boulders.

Then another woman came in, she was in her mid-30s and she positioned herself with her partner near us. The day was really lovely, the sun was shining on our naked bodies, and the dozen or so people sitting in the water or the rocks were just absorbing the sun and listening to the water falling over the rocks. I never felt uncomfortable or like I was being stared at. I was amazed by the Japanese woman because she seemed to be just showing it all off. But it was great, we were communing with nature and what not. Yeah, I saw male private parts. Yes, they saw my breasts. There was nothing sexual about it….

…and then….

The Japanese woman, I started to notice, was looking at us a lot with her husband…and I had also noticed she had positioned herself almost directly across from Hugh and wasn’t exactly doing anything to hide herself from him (but he was watching the water falling). Me and Heidi then spotted the woman PLAYING with her partner’s male parts. I turned away in surprise and tried not to let it bother me. Immediately after we left, the couple left as well. Hugh then later told me that the man had been staring at us the entire time. I laughed and we tried to shrug this off, we told Hugh we’d meet him outside in the reception area after we got dressed.

We got dressed and headed to the reception, as I was opening the door, I saw the same woman from before. She was dressed in what can be best described as something far too young and prostitutey. She was sitting across from Hugh (but he had his back turned) and she had her skirt pulled open and was attempting to show Hugh her white panties.

These things do NOT happen on accident, my friends. What was interesting was that we were more scandalised by her behaviour when she had clothes on than when she was naked. I guess since everyone was naked we took her actions to be the actions of a liberated female, but when she had clothes on, her intentions were far more obvious.

We were all horrified, but we tried to act nonchalant. We sighed with relief when the couple left, only to see them sitting on a bench outside. Where they waiting for us? Was this some sort of proposition for something? We kept our eyes lowered and walked quickly past the couple and got in our car. They did the same. We waited until they left and then sighed with relief. We decided to go to one more onsen since the one we had just been to didn’t have shower facilities.

So we pull into the next place’s parking lot….and so does the couple. WTF? They left BEFORE us. We tried to be as casual about it as possible, maybe we were just misunderstanding the situation.

So we split up again and said we would meet in the mixed pool for our last bathing session. We did the whole ritual cleaning thing then got into the pool. To get into the mixed bathing area, we had to wade through the girls area, and then walk through a little tunnel and open the door — I opened the door and what did I see? The man and the woman sitting in the rocks, the man was fully erect and the woman had her hand on him and looked ready to do something. I yelped in horror and fell backwards (and also gave myself a nasty scrape on the knee from the rocks) and told the girls to go back.

Meanwhile, Hugh waited for us to come out–but we didn’t. So it was him, the guy and the woman, and the woman was apparently doing things like stretching out on the middle rock. When it became obvious we weren’t coming out, he left. We were all horrified by what happened.

We got into the car and left…and then saw them following us back into town. We were freaked out by now, so after we turned a corner we quickly went into a parking lot. From the rearview window I watched the car drive forward, but when they realised they had lost us, they pulled over with their blinkers on. They waited a few minutes and then pulled a U-Turn and left.

WTF?

Yeah, it was a really weird situation. But also, a really amusing story. We laughed about the horrors of seeing real-life porn, and about the couple ruining the sanctity of the onsen. But whatever. I mean, that’s bound to happen, right? Despite all that, I would definitely do mixed bathing again — but not if its just me and Hugh, I fear that it might how swingers find their partners ;P Oh and obviously, I wouldn’t just hop naked with anyone–they’d have to be friends I really trust…but I think it was just a really great experience. Definitely nothing that everyone could do, but I was really pleased to see how unbothered I was–not just by being naked in front of other people, but that me and Hugh were both unbothered (relatively) by the situation. I don’t think a lot of people would have been cool having other people see their partner, but the way I see it, if I have to fear my boyfriend is going to leave me cause he saw another girl naked, then he probably wasn’t worth my time anyways. =P

P.S. Horse is delicious, unfortunately.

Yama Mizuki’s Outdoor Bath

Originally uploaded by Janelle (Himene).

 

Ah, Japan.

[For the confused: Hard Gay is the name of an entertainer on Japanese TV, I'd tell you to do a search but you're probably gunna find a lot of porn before you find him ;P]