Travel to Live. Live to Travel

Reading along the list of ailments and cures...

Hugh and I were wandering around the more “locals” area of Luang Prabang when we came across a little cart with bags of dried bark, berries, and grasses neatly arranged on top. Small baskets had dried leaves and one contained rounded stones, a worn book on top read “Lao Traditional Medicine.” We stopped for a moment, and an old man grinned at us with a toothless smile.

He opened the book and pointed to an ailment, then gesticulated to his cart, “heart disease” said the book as he gestured to his heart. We shook our head “no” and smiled. He then pointed to the next ailment in the chart which was for headache, then grabbed his head and made moaning noises. This is where the story gets hilarious.

Next was an herbal tea that was good for spasms. So the man demonstrated what spasms where by shaking his hands violently and making a sound that I can only type as “ablabababaaba” with his tongue. Hugh and I burst out laughing. Encouraged, the man pointed at the next ailment: gonorrhea.

He then proceeded to make the international children’s symbol for sex, inserting a finger into his fist. He then pointed at Hugh who protested quite loudly that he didn’t need a cure for it. The man grinned and pointed to the next venereal disease, which brought upon more laughter.

The next moments were spent having a “conversation” by pointing at various words on a well-worn paper he kept with him. He asked where we were from, if we were married, etc. Just a hilarious old man eager to talk with people, I guess, and yet one of the many experiences that’s making me never want to leave Laos.

Since we enjoyed our last caving experience, we decided to go kayaking and caving today… and our inexperience mixed with the relative difficulty of it and a guide more interested in asking questions about English proved to be a little trickier and nerve-wracking than before. This time we were taken to the biggest cave in Vang Vieng, which might have been awesome…except for the fact we had to climb in and out of the cave with a CANDLE. A candle! What the hell?! Not like, ooh look at me and my awesome candle-stick and candle-holder…I mean, a birthday candle (photos later.)

Well, we’re not dead…but Laos has never scored high on the whole health and safety standards thing. I mean, the fact that I have to plug my computer into a bamboo pole should say something. Everytime I type I get electrocuted. =P

Anyways, we’re off tomorrow for Phonsavan and the mysterious Plain of Jars… so long Vang Vieng, it’s been awesome.

Walking around with Hugh today was like walking around with a celebrity. During our tour of the area with the boys we met yesterday, we happened to cross paths with lots and lots of high schoolers on some sort of field trip. Every time we passed a group of girls they would stare at Hugh, giggle, squeal, and then try and take his picture. When we passed guys, they would shout “hello!” though one group went, “Oooh! Handsome boy!”

At one point, one girl even came up to us and asked if she could take a picture with us. She politely waited while she took a picture with me, then with Hugh. I’m pretty sure she promptly deleted the picture with me.

One of the funnier things that happened was I was walking with the group of guys from HK who we were touring with, when these three girls spotted Hugh. I watched them try and shove the prettiest girl towards hi whispering things I imagine were like, “say hello to him!” and stuff, but she did nothing as they passed by. As we walked by, Hugh grabbed my hand and I heard them squeal “NooooO!” LOL, high school girls.

It’s funny, but even funnier because it kind of weirds Hugh out. I know lots of expat guys who love the attention and use it to their advantage (and sleep with tons of girls), I also know more expat guys who thought it was a little weird and annoying to be treated like a zoo animal. Hugh seems to take it in stride by doing things like scratching his nose (and blocking his face) nonchalantly when people try and take his picture. I mean, it’s all fun and games when the cute high school girls do it, but it’s annoying when the old man gets in your face and tries to take a picture of you eating, right? Same shit, different name.

We went clubbing yesterday (actually, shall I say, this morning?) and it was full of amusement. Last time I was in Taiwan, I went clubbing with friends at a famous place in Taipei. I was immediately struck by how much more it was like clubbing in America than it was in Japan. People could dance, for one. This time, I had even more observations to make.

When we arrived the club was PACKED. Thankfully, a friend of a friend let us in for free and got us a VIP table. That definitely made the night.

There were sexy go-go dancers for us to oogle, but other than that, very few females in the club on this particular day. However, of the females that WERE there, about half of them had some article of clothing off by the end of the night. I’ve never seen so much butt-cheek in my life outside of a beach or pool. Though, honestly, we Asians know that most Asian girls aren’t really sporting big backsides so it really wasn’t buttcheek as much as….thigh? Annnyyyways, if it wasn’t that, then girls were taking off their tops and dancing around in bras. Not the sort of thing I have EVER seen in a club in Japan (let alone dancing), or hell in America even. But then again, Taiwan is not Japan despite my odd tendency to think it is.

The next point of amusement was Kevin’s stalker. While Hugh and I were dancing, he told me some girl was staring at him. Like a non-moving ghost through an undulating crowd. Later, after we came back from a bathroom break the same girl was sitting on the couch trying to talk to Kevin. Imagine this girl: a face like a 15 year old. Her long crimped hair, in messy, uneven pigtails. She’s wearing a miniskirt that says Budweiser down the sides, a black bra, and a hoodie zipped to just above the navel. Her eyes have that unmistakable glassiness that only a psycho can have. She doesn’t really look like a lolita, but the way she pouts purposefully and shamelessly makes you think of an adult trying to do a grotesque impersonation of a child.

And so, the girl sat next to Kevin for about 1 hr… making pouty faces, puppy dog eyes, at one point she started french kissing the air. It was WEIRD…and hilarious…and sad. Even after we repeatedly asked her nicely that he wasn’t interested. Even after a Taiwanese guy told her more rudely to piss off. Even after Kevin pretended to introduce her to his fake fiancee…she just sat on the floor, chin on the couch, staring up at poor Kev. Eventually she pouted as far as her lower lip would go and stomped off. I saw her later listlessly dancing with a Taiwanese guy, eyes staring at some spot on the wall. I have no idea what was going on in her head, but anyone who can sit while 6 people gesture at her and go “wtf is going on?” probably isn’t thinking clearly.

We left the club around 4 am, had breakfast and McDonald’s (the Taiwanese places weren’t open yet, unfortunately) and stumbled home around 5am…the first time I’ve done that in a non-video gaming context for years.

I feel like a kid again.

I know it’s not the same because the Japanese language doesn’t exactly have naughty words the same way we have naughty words (though don’t be fooled, there’s plenty of shit you never say in polite company), but I will never ever get over hearing 3rd graders in elementary school screaming the following:

“Oppai!!” (Tits!)
“Chikubi!!” (Nipples!)
“Boku okama da!!” (I’m a tranny!)
“‘Chinko’ eigo de nan to iu no?” (How do you say penis in English)

Maybe more so than the fact the kids say it is the fact the teachers smile and laugh. I can’t help it, I’m a prudish American. I have a mouth like a drunken sailor, but I still cringe when I hear kids saying stuff like that.

Then again, I also cringe when people ask me things like, “Oshiri ga itai no?” (Does your butt hurt?) Let’s not talk about my butt, your butt, or anyone else’s butt. Japanese people are always really shocked when I tell them we don’t discuss breasts and butts in polite company, they always reply with “but…but…American TV is nothing but showing that stuff, why can’t you talk about it?”

Touche.

You know how a last month I posted saying that people were asking me if I was pregnant? Well, yesterday I got a step-up on that: I was congratulated on my baby.

PEOPLE. WHAT?

A lady from one of the schools I visit was all, “ooh and we were all wondering who should congratulate you on your baby,” Wait, wait, back the hell up woman, what baby?

“I’m not pregnant!” I admonished,

“Oh really….oooh where did we hear it from? Someone said you were….”

“Why did you think I was pregnant?” I asked in my most polite voice. Just be honest and say it’s cause I’ve gotten tubby around my middle, I thought darkly, while my face showed a friendly smile and the finest in Japanese tatemae.

“Oh, I don’t know…your face seemed glowing and full, like the face of pregnancy!”

At this point I bit down my tongue and held back the urge to say, “So you mean cause I have a fat face?” Instead, I countered with this gem:

“But, but… I’m not even married!” I said shyly.

“Oh, well, you know… we thought you were being a modern woman and were going to hang in there and have one anyways.”

I give up, Japan. I get it, you think I’m fat. Yes, I will start going on an even stricter diet and start working out now. Thank you, just when I thought I was making progress with my weight.
…
Wait, wait…hold the phone! They thought I had HAD a baby already, so that must mean I AM making progress with my weight. Well, hot damn! Apparently my perfect body weight was when I was 85lbs and had twig-legs, back then all the Japanese girls complimented me on my tiny face and skinny legs. I think I’ll just stick to my bigger boobs, fuller thighs, and ghetto booty. I like it better, my boyfriend likes it better–leave me alone, Japan!

There’s this website I love called Stuff White People Like. It’s actually better described as ‘Stuff Liberal Yuppies Like’ since I know plenty of white-folk who don’t care much for any of this, and plenty of non-whites who do. Case in point: I fit into 99% of the stereotypes. Oh dear god, have I turned into a yuppie already? I’m too young! And also not technically urban.

Observe the following on an entry about travel.

Upon returning home, they will also find an affinity for a particular beer or liquor from a country they visited. They use this as an excuse to mention their travels when at a bar. “Oh, I’ll have a Czechznlishiyush Pilsner. You see, that was my favorite beer when I was travelling through Slovenia and the Czech republic.”

TRUE. I must admit more than once I’ve said something like, “Oh this Thai is good, but not as good as in Thailand.” Seriously, it’s true. Fellow traveler, you know you’ve done it, regardless of your ethnic background.

The site is hilarious though, whoever writes is either a brilliant white person with amazing self-awareness, or someone non-white but with an anthropologist’s eye.

My friend desslok pointed out another one called Stuff Asian People Like, but I didn’t find it as funny, and sadly, couldn’t relate to it at all. That’s kind of strange, actually.

Over the weekend I went to Kyushu in southern Japan with my friends. It was certainly a weekend of bravery and firsts.

The first wacky thing we all did: ate raw horse meat (a Kumamoto Prefecture specialty).

The second feat of bravery: we entered a mixed bath together

Before I continue, I must explain what an onsen is to those who have no idea. If you already know what it is, then skip this paragraph. Onsen is Japanese for hot springs and, in my opinion, is one of the hallmarks of their culture. Every town, no matter how tiny, has an onsen–or at least a sento, which is a public bath. In the past, mixed bathing was fairly normal and no one thought anything of it. That has since changed and most onsen now seperate the men from the women. Most foreigners, obviously, are nervous the first time they go…but everyone does it and everyone enjoys it. It’s one thing to go topless at a beach when not everyone else is. In an onsen, everyone is naked. Little babies, old grannies, you, your friends. Yeah, you are naked, but so is everyone else. Westerns find onsens to be liberating, relaxing, and a wonderful bonding experience.

Anyways, so my friends and I are all onsen ‘experts’ so we decided to go to Kurokawa Onsen which is a town famous in Japan for its hot springs. It’s a beautiful, scenic town and very traditional. In fact, so traditional that almost every onsen still has mixed bathing. At all the places, women still got their own private sections, meanwhile the mens area was actually the mixed bathing area.

We adventurous females decided we would try it. First, we took advantage of the family bath that came with our room reservation. Yes, it was 3 girls and 1 guy (who is my boyfriend) and no, it did not turn into an orgy. Yes, folks, believe it or not a mixed group of people CAN be naked together AND have it not be sexual in the slightest. We sat in the water and discussed life, Japan, and how hot the water was. No one looked at anyone’s naughty bits (well, for long). It was friends bathing.

the part where things did start getting weird and sexual, thanks to a kinky Japanese couple…

A 11 year old girl plans to write to her penpal in America, “What do you think of Hard Gay?” then decides to write, “Do you think Hard Gay is cool?”

Ah, Japan.

[For the confused: Hard Gay is the name of an entertainer on Japanese TV, I'd tell you to do a search but you're probably gunna find a lot of porn before you find him ;P]